HURT

i'm so tired of pretending. everything is ok. but actually it wasn't. my tears is starting to show and my smile is fading away. i put my heart into all that i wanted with u and u showed me time and time again that i'm not worth the sacrifice. well u won't really miss me until i'm gone. so much pain. i don't want this feeling. my scars are deep and cannot be healed. i'm forever wounded. forever in pain. i can't recover. i am too hurt. why would u cause me this? how could u do this to me? what are u doing to me? what did i ever do to u? the only thing i've ever done is love u. so it's just best if i keep it to myself before i lose too much. but the mostly is i hate that i don't hate u. well someday all will make perfect sense. so for now, i will laugh at the confusion. i will smile through the tears. and keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason.

my minnie part 2

this is SITI AISYAH BINTI MOHD RAZALI
she is my minnie
she is my first-to-be bestfriend during matriculation programme
i do love her like damn fucking much
she is my bestest roomate i've ever had
she has chemistry, physics, biology, accounts, economy, business and everything with me
she has such a lovely smile and i know she never knew that
she eat a lot just like me
she loves to help people eventhough sometimes she's the one who needed help
she is my teacher and i've promise to her that my future children will know about it one day
she loves to figure out some unfigurable matters (well that makes her different from the others)
she hates ulat sampah like hell
she dislike yellow
she likes pink and purple just like me
she loves to laugh just like the way i am
she's a big fan of faizal tahir

well i may not know everything about her
i may not be her bestest friend
i may not as intelligent as her
i may not have a lovely smile as her
i may not be by her side
i may not be a good friend for her

but a thing for sure is i may die if i lose her

daisy sayang minnie

my minnie

semakin i cuba lupakan dia semakin i ingat kat dia. stupid!! stupid!! stupid!! sebenarnya hanya ada seorang sahabat yang bernama SITI AISYAH BINTI MOHD RAZALI yang i sangat2 perlukan sekarang. cha, dudu buat kte sedih. tapi dia ta taw pon sebenarnya. cha janji jangan pakse kte cite ape yang dia da buat. kte ta taw nape kte ta bole na marah. tapi kte sedih sangat2. cha banyak sangat yang kte na cite. kte rase kte da na surrender kot. maybe sekarang kte betul2 kene terima yang dia memang ta pernah kesah pon pasal kte. tapi kte ta boleh salahkan dia kan? dia ta taw pape pon kan? kalau satu hari cha taw ape yang dia buat, cha jangan fikir dia teruk taw. dia memang salah sebab da buat benda tu. tapi dia mesti ada reason kan? my minnie, daisy rindu sangat-sangat kat minnie. minnie ta mo lupa kat daisy ok. nanti kalau ade rezeki daisy datang jumpa minnie.

fake

i dah jalan2 sepanjang hari. pegi makan. pegi harris. pegi lenny & jeffrey wash and cut my hair. pegi 7eleven beli slurpee. sume i dah buat. tapi i tetap fikir ape yang u dah buat. i gelak2 tadi tapi sebenarnya i nangis dalam hati. mungkin kalau ade orang lain yang buat benda tu pada i, i ta kan rase sesedih ni. i try to figure out why. but i coulnt find the answer. i mean i taw u deserve to do it as u wish to do so. but why? i ta cukup kuat untuk terima semua ni. bila semua orang tanya kenapa i sangat sedih? i ta boleh cerita pun kat diorang. i betul2 ta boleh na cerita ape yang wat i sedih kat diorang. i ta nak diorang fikir u teruk. i ta nak diorang fikir u jahat, kejam or whatever it calls. i betul2 ta nak. ta kesah la kalau u na fikir yang i ni pura-pura baik atau pretender ke ape. i really2 mean what i just said. i ta na diorang fikir bukan2 pasal u. satu je yang i taw i sangat sangat sedih. im only me when im with u. but it doesnt mean anything to u kan? kan u? i taw all of this is just not worth it. tapi im not going to admit it. i ta kesah bila hakikatnya memang i yang bodoh, rugi and ape ape lagi la. i akan cuba senyum selagi i mampu.

sangat sedih

semua orang cakap cuti boring. i ta boring pon. walaupun i ta wat papepun kat uma. tapi i relax je. still enjoying my freedom. but the thing is something happened just now. i tau i tak de hak nak marah. so i just bole sedih je. tapi i memang betul2 sedih. sedih sebab tak sangka benda tu bole jadi. tapi i tau orang tu memang ade hak untuk wat camtu. tapi i memang sgt sedih bile dia wat benda tu. tak pe la i terima je. i ingat kate-kate seorang kawan i.. setiap ape yang seseorang tu buat mesti ade reason. i memang ta tau ape reason dia. tapi i kena terima je. i dah besar. i ta bole nangis (walaupun da banjir da sebenarnya).

F.R.E.E.D.O.M

this is what i've been waiting for.. ahaha.. selama setahun..

hidup di bumi london aka londang

hidup di kediaman berbatu blok yang ta de simen

hidup di aras 4 yang menyemputkan

hidup dengan udara yang berbau ayam dan kambing

hidup ke kuliah dengan mendaki tangga yang banyak dari tangga yang paling sikit sampai tangga batu cave

hidup dengan makanan yang pedas dan kurang enak

hidup dengan budaya baru

hidup dengan tutor, assignments yang bergunung (the most horrible part)

hidup dengan ape lagi ntah

tapi semuanya dah berakhir.. tepat jam 1 petang pada 14 april 2010, dengan dijemput ayahanda dan bonda terchenta, MAIZURA MOKSIN dengan bangga melangkah keluar (dengan kereta la tapi) dari kolej matrikulasi melaka!!! yang tinggal hanyalah kenangan.. yaag ade sekarang ialah F.R.E.E.D.O.M.. now i can have my real life back.. i am so so so happy..

tapi walau apepon, i will miss my roomates, wing mates, classmates, college mates, lecturers and the most is my dudu.. well its just the beginning of my journey.. there are so many things i need to do.. there are many challenges waiting.. haih.. whatever it is, for now i want to enjoy my freedom..